Explaining Miracles

[This post was originally posted at the MUSASHA blog but has been moved here. I've done a little bit of editing, but the content is the same]

I came across this ridiculous headline on msnbc.com earlier:

No death in St. Louis Tornado Called A Miracle

To quote from the article:

“I don’t know why God decided to spare our lives but I’m thankful for it,” Joni Bellinger, children’s minister at hard-hit Ferguson Christian Church, said Sunday.”

This most certainly is not a miracle, at least not in the sense that Bellinger and others may think it is.  Yes, I agree it was very fortuitous that no one died, but this is not a miracle and credit cannot be given to god [lowercase intentional].  If god were in the business of keeping people from dying from tornadoes, he wouldn’t create them in the first place.  He wouldn’t waste his time creating them just to smash some windows and scare the shit out of everyone for no reason.  And it’s more than a little bit insulting to claim he somehow saved the people of St. Louis but couldn’t be bothered to save the other millions that have died (and will die) from tornadoes.

“But Tony,” you ask, “what is a miracle?”  Fair enough, I can’t just go around disproving miracles to the insane/stupid without giving them some sort of guidelines for future reference.

Let’s say the tornado touched down and magically jumped over every house and building in the way before disappearing into the sky.  Would that be a miracle?  No.  Granted, it would be Holy Shit weird, but not a miracle.

But what if a tornado sexually excited a bull?  And the tornado shot that bull’s semen into a virgin woman’s vagina? And what if she’s on the news a month later with the headline “Woman may give birth to Minotaur”?  We’re getting closer to a miracle on this one; but until I see hooves, horns and a DNA test proving it’s not my child, still no miracle.

Try this: A tornado touches down and a giant Monty Python-esque cartoon hand appears in the sky instantly smashing the F5 into a million skittles.  The delicious candy then falls to the Earth to spell Taste the Rainbow, bitches. 

That’s a bona fide fucking miracle and you’re welcome.

Fatuous Foxholes

[This post was originally posted at the MUSASHA blog but has been moved here.  I've done a little bit of editing, but the content is the same]

I’d like to talk about a saying that I find incredibly stupid:

“There are no atheists in foxholes”

Now, nevermind that this saying is demonstrably untrue; there are many, many atheists in the U.S. Military, let alone militaries all over the world.  That really isn’t my issue with this expression.  Were that its only problem, I would chalk it up to general ignorance and go on with my day.  It would be as though someone told me there were no rapists in the Catholic Church — I’d giggle and explain why that is a very silly thing to say.  My problem with the phrase has nothing to do with whether it’s true; were it a fact that there were no atheists in foxholes I would still smash my teeth together in an effort to not shout obscenities at the person who said it.  Allow me to explain why.

Wikipedia has an explanation of this expression that I like:

“The statement “There are no atheists in foxholes” is an aphorism used to argue that in times of extreme stress or fear, such as when participating in warfare, all people will believe in or hope for a higher power.”
[I do object to the use of the word 'aphorism' because it's not 'generally true' nor is the phrase in anyway an 'astute observation' in even the loosest definitions of those terms, but I digress.]

Essentially the phrase expresses the idea that people are more willing to believe something if they’re afraid of death.

I’m sorry Christians, but: THAT’S MY ARGUMENT!!!

Mine, not yours.  Do not smugly proclaim that “there are no atheists in foxholes” as if you’ve drawn the Ace of Spades to complete your royal flush.  You have a 9 and a 2, they’re not suited and you need three more cards.

The idea that people fear death so they turn to the most comforting fairy tale available is exactly what atheists have been trying to tell you.  While I do appreciate the kind gesture of making my arguments for me (because it’s much less work on my part and I don’t even have to show up to the discussion if you’re really good at it), you should be doing so out of altruism or because you realize the argument is lost so you might as well join the winning side.  Do not, under any circumstances, say it because you think it’s an even remotely intelligent thing to say — it isn’t.