[This post was originally posted at the MUSASHA blog but has been moved here. I've done a little bit of editing, but the content is the same]
I came across this ridiculous headline on msnbc.com earlier:
To quote from the article:
“I don’t know why God decided to spare our lives but I’m thankful for it,” Joni Bellinger, children’s minister at hard-hit Ferguson Christian Church, said Sunday.”
This most certainly is not a miracle, at least not in the sense that Bellinger and others may think it is. Yes, I agree it was very fortuitous that no one died, but this is not a miracle and credit cannot be given to god [lowercase intentional]. If god were in the business of keeping people from dying from tornadoes, he wouldn’t create them in the first place. He wouldn’t waste his time creating them just to smash some windows and scare the shit out of everyone for no reason. And it’s more than a little bit insulting to claim he somehow saved the people of St. Louis but couldn’t be bothered to save the other millions that have died (and will die) from tornadoes.
“But Tony,” you ask, “what is a miracle?” Fair enough, I can’t just go around disproving miracles to the insane/stupid without giving them some sort of guidelines for future reference.
Let’s say the tornado touched down and magically jumped over every house and building in the way before disappearing into the sky. Would that be a miracle? No. Granted, it would be Holy Shit weird, but not a miracle.
But what if a tornado sexually excited a bull? And the tornado shot that bull’s semen into a virgin woman’s vagina? And what if she’s on the news a month later with the headline “Woman may give birth to Minotaur”? We’re getting closer to a miracle on this one; but until I see hooves, horns and a DNA test proving it’s not my child, still no miracle.
Try this: A tornado touches down and a giant Monty Python-esque cartoon hand appears in the sky instantly smashing the F5 into a million skittles. The delicious candy then falls to the Earth to spell Taste the Rainbow, bitches.
That’s a bona fide fucking miracle and you’re welcome.